I’m Going Hungry

Photo by Andras Rozsa on Unsplash

Through all of our years together, my husband did the majority of the cooking.  My husband was an amazing cook!  He loved doing it, so I had no problem with him claiming the kitchen as his domain.  Many assumed I couldn’t cook.  I even had a co-worker who would only eat food I brought to office parties if she knew my husband made it.  We’ll get into my cooking adventures a little later.

After he passed away, a lot of people thought I would starve to death.  In fact, I think most people had the misguided idea that I did very little in my household.  I once heard the comment that he did EVERYTHING for me.  I’m going to lay my ruffled feathers down and leave that one alone for now.

While I’m certainly no culinary wizard, I get by.  The scale would tell you that I am definitely not going without food!  However, I am going hungry!

I am starving for the affection I have lost.  I am starving for the hugs that were so tight I thought they would break me.  I am starving for the warmth of his hands and the sound of his heartbeat.  I am starving for the all-night conversations and the jokes that were just between us.  I am starving for real love.

I am envious of those who have managed to start a new life and find their new happy.  I realize that the timing is different for us all and I am very happy for anyone who can move out of this darkness.  No matter how much I understand, it doesn’t stop the anger from rising over my current circumstances.  The first one who tells me, “Life is what you make it,” is getting throat punched!  No one chooses these circumstances.  A friend once said to me, “Maybe you’re just destined to be a widow.”  WHAT?  GOOD GOD, I hope this isn’t my destiny!  

I’m going hungry and my soul is skin and bone.