In The Dream Time
I began the battle with depression and anxiety at a very young age. It was always attributed to something physical. While I did have a lot of physical issues, my internal war was always misdiagnosed. Why in the world would a child be depressed?
I developed a unique way to cope with my reality. Many children have imaginary friends, but I built an alternate life. In my alternate world, I became everything I was not in this world. I was rich, powerful, talented, agile, graceful…beautiful. When I spoke, EVERYONE listened!
One would think that if you are going to create your own little world, you would make it a perpetually happy place. A place where everything is perfect and there is no pain and no ridicule. Not me! My world was full of everything this world holds. There was love, happiness, adventure, anger, bitterness, and hatred. But, in this world, I was powerful!
Don’t get me wrong, I was not omnipotent. Even in this world, I recognized that God ruled. He gave me the amazing power I possessed. Generally, I used that power for the good of all who resided in my world. Other times, I was a complete tyrant. Rest assured, when I became a tyrant, God knocked me down a notch or two.
I’m not sure why I wrote this in the past tense. My own little world still exists. I have lived in both places simultaneously for as long as I can remember. Years ago, my psychologist asked me if I had any idea how much brain power it took to live in two places at once. I genuinely have no idea. It’s second nature to me. It is a part of who I am. He told me that my alternate world would go away as I got older. Sorry, Ed! You missed the mark on that one. My world is, to quote George Carlin, “alive and well and living in the suburbs.”
There are a few things that fueled the fire in my own little world; music tops the list. Books and poetry come in a close second. As a child, I spent most of my time in my favorite chair in my room bouncing/rocking (I couldn’t dance) to music as loud as would be tolerated in our household. This was my favorite way to hide. My world was occasionally invaded by those who found this amusing. They would peer at me through a crack in my bedroom door and giggle. Yes, I knew you were there!
As an adult the music is still there, but the bouncing is gone. Books play a larger role now than they did then. I am envious of those capable of spinning beautiful tales. I love the works of Mary Shelley, John Steinbeck, Khaled Hosseini, Sue Lynn Tan, J.K. Rowling, and Bram Stoker just to name a few.
Certain poems touch my soul and make me feel like there are those who understand me. I am a big fan of John Clare, Billy Collins, Emily Dickinson, and Mary Oliver. However, my favorite poet is most likely unknown to you. Not only is he my favorite poet, but I am fortunate enough to call him my friend. I’ve been hiding in his words a lot lately and I asked his permission to share them with you. Thankfully he said yes! I hope you enjoy the beauty of his words as much as I do.
